Posts tagged buddha
Vipassana Day 9: How to Decline Gifts (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

I woke up around 5:30 AM from a very strange dream. I somehow escaped for the night with my partner, and all of the sudden we were making out in our apartment, but then it wasn’t our apartment. I explained that we shouldn’t be doing this, because it’s one of the rules. As I am trying to explain, he transformed into a previous partner, who wasn’t as compassionate or understanding.  I began freaking out because I was at least two hours from the course, and I would need to get back before anyone sees me (so, like 2 AM). Meanwhile, there is a cat in the apartment, who isn’t Banana, and who keeps hissing and posturing at me. I grab a nearby violin bow and point at it to exert myself as alpha, and end up poking it. It stops moving and when I take a look, I realize that I have badly punctured the poor creature, and it’s really hurt. I freak out even more, and think what kind of monster I am. I feel like complete crap and wake up. Luckily this was followed by a BM (toxins, am I right?).

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Intro to Dhammaland - The Happiest Place on Earth: A 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience

For many years, I wanted to complete a 10-day Vipassana retreat. Why? Because I wanted to know myself in the truest sense. I spend so much time avoiding myself, and trying to fill up my time with every activity in the book so that I do not have to hang out alone. Despite this proclivity for self-avoidance, I truly wanted to find out the root of my anxiety, my chronic guilt, and to finally understand my impulsiveness, my indecisiveness, and my need to keep busy with a million things to feel happy, to feel ‘satisfied.’ I know I am literally the grandmaster at avoiding myself, which is why I thought a retreat, where just me, my ego, and potentially the dark night of my soul could get together for an overdue intervention. The thought of being alone for 10 days in silence simultaneously excited and scared the shit out of me. Hence I chickened out twice before, and gave up my spot to someone I thought would be a more worthy goer. Plus, I was not ready! I had to take the time off work, financially prepare myself, etc etc etc. Finally, I convinced myself that there was no more avoiding. I had to do it.

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